I look around my house and see a MESS. Yes it is really bad right now. I am going to get that under control this weekend.
I posted earlier about how hard this year has been so far. I have been allowing my children, my house and all the things that I over commit to wear me down. As the days tick on I realize that even in this mess I am blessed. Even in the hard days that have passed and the ones that I know will come. The bible states that mans days are few and full of trouble (Job 14:1). As I watch our friend Lorie wait for word, any word on David. I am thankful that God has given me one more day to have my husband and children.
Those days are never promised, only hoped for, We have plans, plans that are about tomorrow, but it may never come. Does that mean that when I step on that STUPID Lego again, (because those sweet babies are afraid to pick up after themselves)I am gonna be happy.
Short answer is no.
I may even think of dropping them off at Goodwill. Yes, I mean the children. What did the Lego's do wrong? But then the pain will subside and I will realize that those children are an answer to my prayer. They with my husband, who after all these years still makes my heart skip a beat are the very strings that keep my heart together.
My goal this year is to find my joy in the tears, gratefulness in my grumpiness, and to bloom where I am planted.
Shana
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I want flowers and green grass
My title for today has a double meaning.
On the surface I want Spring. I want birds and flowers and the smell of fresh cut grass. I love spring it is just beautiful. It is where life starts all over. The cold dead look of winter is over. We thaw out. Don't get me wrong, snow covered trees with the sparkle that goes along with it are breath taking. But I am ready to thaw out.
Deeper than the surface I am ready to come to life again . This winter season in my life has been so cold. Our grandson passed way, my father passed away, our dear friend is still missing in Haiti, we have moved twice in a year. Some of our extended family is having heart breaking problems going on also. I see the winter coldness in myself and several around me.
I realized that I was letting the bad out weight the good. I could only see the sadness, the tragedies that were beginning to take over our world. I am making a choice to find the good and it is just that. The choice to find the good. The good in people. The good amidst even the rubble that is sometimes all that is left. I am not willing to accept that life has to be the way that it has been.
This is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it. It is this verse that helps me to see the green grass. I see that the flowers will bloom shortly. I hope to teach my children by example, the example that life can be good, hopeful and joyful.
On the surface I want Spring. I want birds and flowers and the smell of fresh cut grass. I love spring it is just beautiful. It is where life starts all over. The cold dead look of winter is over. We thaw out. Don't get me wrong, snow covered trees with the sparkle that goes along with it are breath taking. But I am ready to thaw out.
Deeper than the surface I am ready to come to life again . This winter season in my life has been so cold. Our grandson passed way, my father passed away, our dear friend is still missing in Haiti, we have moved twice in a year. Some of our extended family is having heart breaking problems going on also. I see the winter coldness in myself and several around me.
I realized that I was letting the bad out weight the good. I could only see the sadness, the tragedies that were beginning to take over our world. I am making a choice to find the good and it is just that. The choice to find the good. The good in people. The good amidst even the rubble that is sometimes all that is left. I am not willing to accept that life has to be the way that it has been.
This is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it. It is this verse that helps me to see the green grass. I see that the flowers will bloom shortly. I hope to teach my children by example, the example that life can be good, hopeful and joyful.
Monday, January 18, 2010
It has been a long year and it just started
I have not updated this because I have just not been ready to type alot of what has happened.
We went to Texas the day after Christmas, Christmas Eve I spent all night at the ER with Tori, she had a stomach virus and was so sick that was our only option. Well I got home at 4:30 and got in bed by 6:00. Got up at 9:00 my side of the family got here at 11:00 to eat breakfast. We had a great day. The kids got more than one could ever really hope for. I really love to see them smile.
I got that sweet virus in car oh about Texarkana. Boy do I know how to travel. I went to bed as soon as we got to Dallas, but felt much better the next day. We had a great visit with Grandad, leaving is always hard.
New Years Day we loaded the car and headed home, I settled into my seat grab my phone only to see a message I knew was going to forever change things, at the time I just did not know then how much.
My cousin Amber told me I needed to call my Aunt. I knew this would be bad and it would be about my dad.
With that said let me give you a little history. My mom and dad were divorced when I was very young. It was really the best for everybody. Although I did not eat breakfast every morning with him, or talk as often as we should have, it does not in any way diminish the fact he is my dad. I am half him and half my mother. I look just like him and my oldest son could pass as his twin.
We drove from Texas knowing that he was in ICU and could be gone before I ever crossed the State line. I prayed for God to guide my thoughts and actions. I need to tell him that I did love him, that I understood why things were the way they were and that God loved him to.
I will forever have how he looked and truly suffered etched in my mind and heart. He passed away, I will never get the chance to fix things I feel need to be fixed. To say things that I need say.
He had flaws and so do I. You may want to judge him for those, but be careful for you will be judged by the same measure that you judge.
He made choices that brought about all of this, but how does that change that he is a person who was loved by his family, friends and GOD.
I looke at pictures of us it brakes my heart, because that is all I have now. It will be all that I ever had.
As if that was not enough, Kevin called me on the Wednesday after the Haiti earthquake. He told me that some dear friends of our were in great need of prayer. Her dad and husband David were over there with two other gentleman. They were there for work. Her dad is home safe and sound but David has not been found.
How can this be? All I can say is Lorie has shown such grace and hope. She has made David proud for years, but this is beyond that. Lorie and David are in our prayers, I ask that you would do the same.
I guess that is all for now.
We went to Texas the day after Christmas, Christmas Eve I spent all night at the ER with Tori, she had a stomach virus and was so sick that was our only option. Well I got home at 4:30 and got in bed by 6:00. Got up at 9:00 my side of the family got here at 11:00 to eat breakfast. We had a great day. The kids got more than one could ever really hope for. I really love to see them smile.
I got that sweet virus in car oh about Texarkana. Boy do I know how to travel. I went to bed as soon as we got to Dallas, but felt much better the next day. We had a great visit with Grandad, leaving is always hard.
New Years Day we loaded the car and headed home, I settled into my seat grab my phone only to see a message I knew was going to forever change things, at the time I just did not know then how much.
My cousin Amber told me I needed to call my Aunt. I knew this would be bad and it would be about my dad.
With that said let me give you a little history. My mom and dad were divorced when I was very young. It was really the best for everybody. Although I did not eat breakfast every morning with him, or talk as often as we should have, it does not in any way diminish the fact he is my dad. I am half him and half my mother. I look just like him and my oldest son could pass as his twin.
We drove from Texas knowing that he was in ICU and could be gone before I ever crossed the State line. I prayed for God to guide my thoughts and actions. I need to tell him that I did love him, that I understood why things were the way they were and that God loved him to.
I will forever have how he looked and truly suffered etched in my mind and heart. He passed away, I will never get the chance to fix things I feel need to be fixed. To say things that I need say.
He had flaws and so do I. You may want to judge him for those, but be careful for you will be judged by the same measure that you judge.
He made choices that brought about all of this, but how does that change that he is a person who was loved by his family, friends and GOD.
I looke at pictures of us it brakes my heart, because that is all I have now. It will be all that I ever had.
As if that was not enough, Kevin called me on the Wednesday after the Haiti earthquake. He told me that some dear friends of our were in great need of prayer. Her dad and husband David were over there with two other gentleman. They were there for work. Her dad is home safe and sound but David has not been found.
How can this be? All I can say is Lorie has shown such grace and hope. She has made David proud for years, but this is beyond that. Lorie and David are in our prayers, I ask that you would do the same.
I guess that is all for now.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Christmas Play
Samuel is in the middle
See that sweet little curly headed angle, don't be fooled!!!! He is mine and I know better :)
Ridley and Chevy are in this one! I am still looking for a good one of Tori :( I will try to post it soon.
Well today I was the mom of Mary, a Shepard and 3 yes, 3 angles. It was a church play and a mom can dream right??? It was the Christmas play. I helped to do the props so my job was pretty easy this year. Each of my children did so well. They really made us proud. Everyone did a great job. Our Joseph was MIA (in 20 inches of snow) so in comes our wonderful pastor, Jamie to save the day. He is so funny, so we all wondered if it was going to be a comedy. But it was great !!! Today was the last big commitment we have till Christmas so now I will maybe, just maybe get things done!!!!
While you are praying please remember our Pastor Jamie and his wife Lori ,they are going into the hospital in the morning to have sweet baby girl #2 :)
Also continue to remember the Raby's the twins. They are making progress everyday, by the hand and grace of GOD.
Merry Christmas to all,
Shana
Friday, December 18, 2009
A long story....
I forget sometimes that not all of you have been on the crazy journey with us. Kevin and I met in high school and were hard to separate from then on. We married the year after I graduated and had our first son in 1999. I was told in September of 1998 that we would most likely not be able to have children due to poly cystic ovarian syndrome. God heard and answered our prayers and we had Samuel in July 1999. I always wanted a houseful of children. Again we were told sorry again GOD granted us a son. Ridley was born in November of 2002. He was early and both pregnancy were very hard. It was with a heavy heart that I followed the doctors advice to have my tubes tied. The day I had that done was so sad for me, I was forever closing a door I was not ready to close.
Fast forward to 2005. God had opened the door for us to attend classes to be foster parents. The first class brought even more sadness for me. Kevin left the class and said we were not cut out for that. In his defense they spent the entire class telling us just how broken these children were and it was enough to scare any sane person, which is probably why I still could not understand where the problem was.I cried all the way home, it seemed as though my dream was even farther away then ever. All that I could do was pray.
That fall came and I saw that another class was coming up and I went to Kevin and asked of we could just take the class if after all the classes were done if he still was against it I would accept that and know we had tried.
We took the classes and they were taught by a different teacher. At the end Kevin said we would try and see where we ended up :)
We had to fill out mounds of paperwork and tell them what we type of child we thought would fit best with our family. I always wanted a girl so here was my chance.
They called on a Monday in April around 3:00 to ask if we would take a newborn baby BOY, and oh yea he is a straight surrender. Which means we could adopt him in six months. What did I say? When and where can I pick him up???? He was a 4 lb drug exposed baby who stole my heart before I even got to him. Evan was the child I was meant to have.
May comes and they call to see if we would take a baby girl that was 2 months old. What did I say???? Yes :) Yea a girl, oh wait I have a 1 month old boy!!! Oh well here we go!
We got to adopt my Tori when she was 18 months old. We were done. I had three boys and my sweet girl.
Don't answer the phone, well I did they were needing to place a teenager she was ready to be adopted. Oh yea and she is pregnant. No problem I can get out of this quick. Every question I asked thinking these will get me off the hook without guilt was answered showing me that GOD had picked my final child the child that would complete our family.
Chevy came to our family not sure what to think but really we were just as lost. I was not sure what to do with a teenager and a pregnant one at that. We just took one day at a time as we still do.
Aiden was born on May 15, 2008. What a great day it was. I loved him as if he were my own. He went to sleep in September in his bed and woke up in heaven. His intestines ruptured and it took his life. Our sweet boy with the deep voice would change lives in the three months he lived. I sat in the hospital begging GOD I would do anything he asked, please just let the doctors help Aiden. But GOD does not make deals.After Aiden passed away time was measured by breaths and that moved to hours and eventually days. I have learned to lean on GOD, as he is the only one who can help us. I have stopped asking why... it no longer matters because why will not change it. I choose to say thank for allowing us the three months, I am forever grateful for each day. Even in the pain I would do it again, he was worth it.
sorry this is so long just wanted to fill in some of the blanks.
Shana
Fast forward to 2005. God had opened the door for us to attend classes to be foster parents. The first class brought even more sadness for me. Kevin left the class and said we were not cut out for that. In his defense they spent the entire class telling us just how broken these children were and it was enough to scare any sane person, which is probably why I still could not understand where the problem was.I cried all the way home, it seemed as though my dream was even farther away then ever. All that I could do was pray.
That fall came and I saw that another class was coming up and I went to Kevin and asked of we could just take the class if after all the classes were done if he still was against it I would accept that and know we had tried.
We took the classes and they were taught by a different teacher. At the end Kevin said we would try and see where we ended up :)
We had to fill out mounds of paperwork and tell them what we type of child we thought would fit best with our family. I always wanted a girl so here was my chance.
They called on a Monday in April around 3:00 to ask if we would take a newborn baby BOY, and oh yea he is a straight surrender. Which means we could adopt him in six months. What did I say? When and where can I pick him up???? He was a 4 lb drug exposed baby who stole my heart before I even got to him. Evan was the child I was meant to have.
May comes and they call to see if we would take a baby girl that was 2 months old. What did I say???? Yes :) Yea a girl, oh wait I have a 1 month old boy!!! Oh well here we go!
We got to adopt my Tori when she was 18 months old. We were done. I had three boys and my sweet girl.
Don't answer the phone, well I did they were needing to place a teenager she was ready to be adopted. Oh yea and she is pregnant. No problem I can get out of this quick. Every question I asked thinking these will get me off the hook without guilt was answered showing me that GOD had picked my final child the child that would complete our family.
Chevy came to our family not sure what to think but really we were just as lost. I was not sure what to do with a teenager and a pregnant one at that. We just took one day at a time as we still do.
Aiden was born on May 15, 2008. What a great day it was. I loved him as if he were my own. He went to sleep in September in his bed and woke up in heaven. His intestines ruptured and it took his life. Our sweet boy with the deep voice would change lives in the three months he lived. I sat in the hospital begging GOD I would do anything he asked, please just let the doctors help Aiden. But GOD does not make deals.After Aiden passed away time was measured by breaths and that moved to hours and eventually days. I have learned to lean on GOD, as he is the only one who can help us. I have stopped asking why... it no longer matters because why will not change it. I choose to say thank for allowing us the three months, I am forever grateful for each day. Even in the pain I would do it again, he was worth it.
sorry this is so long just wanted to fill in some of the blanks.
Shana
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Even today I love being a mom
As any mother knows someday are what you thought they would be. They are swinging at the park, a peaceful lunch, a dinner that does not require a peace treaty, bath where the water stays in the tub, and bed time that does not require a the promise of coming back with reinforcements. Sadly enough today was not one of those days. Today was a day that my children thought it was their day to enact democracy. I am sure some will disagree with me, but that is not how we run our home. I feel that I am doing my children a great disservice in life if I give them impression that they will always be happy and the sun always shines. Yes MOST of their friends parents, some these parents are my friends, feel they need to give in to their sweet babies. Kevin and I do not stand for smart mouths or bad attitudes. They each have been testing the limit with these and they found the over the limit line today. With that being said not a hair on their heads is harmed but they were put back on the straight and narrow. I say all this to tell you that even in this I love each one of them almost to the point of pain. I know what a blessing each one of them is. My children are a choice not a chore. God has given me the greatest gift. The gift to be a part of the lives of 5 people who he holds dear, as they were his babies first. They are only on loan to me. I will look closer at them, why because in each of them I will see the face of God. I hope that God will see fit to allow me more time with them.
Shana
Shana
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Time flies when you are a mom of 5 and having fun
Thanksgiving was a wonderful day. The week started with all of us working together starting on to get the house and the feast that followed ready. I love this time of year. Well, really my love starts in the fall. In the South the kick off of the first football it is also a unspoken kick off of the eating season. Tailgate parties, fall festivals, county fairs, trick or treating, Thanksgiving, CHRISTmas and New years. In the south we really do not need a reason to eat, we eat and eat well. Food that involves a a get together is very important. You must get the details ironed out well in advance. If you host you better be ready. I love to host, I am lucky that my husband is so wonderful. He humors me even when I really need to be committed for at least a 24 hour evaluation. We had all of my family over for lunch. We ate and ate and when normal sane people would have stopped we ate again. Christmas decorations are almost up and I am working on cards now. I am going to try to finish up all of the must do CHRISTmas by Monday of this week, I am ready to step back and enjoy the spirit of the season. While I whole support Santa at CHRISTmas, I will teach my children that Jesus is the reason we have CHRISTMAS.
May God bless you in this Holiday season,
Shana
May God bless you in this Holiday season,
Shana
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
